Hogwarts And Its Failings
by Carroteater1
Summary: A one-shot satire on Hogwarts in real life. Just to get my name into some more widely read sub


**A/N Okay, this is another thing I did for English, this time last year, and I am posting it so that my name is in a more widely read sub. Also, I know that it isn't canon or even make much sense in the HP-verse, but I just needed a narrative**

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**The Reformation of Hogwarts**

The emotions that were filling my body were extreme and conflicting. I was upset at the memory of all those students who had never attained their NEWT's, and had fallen at the hands of You-Know-Who. However, I also felt elation, for I had achieved top marks in all my NEWT's, potions, Defence Against the Dark Arts, Charms. Now, I could enrol at the Ministry of Magic and fulfil my dream.

I waited outside the interview office for the Misuse of Muggle Artefacts. A nervous looking boy left the room, followed by an aging, tired looking man with mousy red hair who called, "Terry Boot?" I stood, and walked towards the door, ready for my interview.

I left the interview feeling confident, the counter-jinx's he had asked me to perform were OWL standard, and telling him I was a Ravenclaw seemed to make him very pleased. Overall, the interview could not have gone better.

I sat in my new office, talking to Adrian Pucey, the other new member of the Misuse of Muggle Artefacts, when he suddenly exclaimed, "I _hate_ Muggles! Why did I have to get a job here?" Shocked by his sudden outburst, I asked him why he had run for the interview, to which he spat, "I was in Slytherin House at Hogwarts, and this makes all my interviewers distrustful of me, so I had to apply to everything in order to get anything!" Remembering the way Mr Weasley, my supervisor, had smiled when I told him I was a Ravenclaw in my interview, I said nothing, but I started to wonder about whether or not the Houses of Hogwarts were actually such a good thing.

"Right then Mr Brook, if you just look at this stick for a moment, and then we can deal with your teapot," This was my first training session in the field, and the scenario was that Mr Brook had a biting Muggle teacup, and Muggle Artefacts had to dispose of it. I was about to perform the Memory Charm on Mr Brook, that would remove his memory of both wizards, and the teapot. "_Obliviate!_" I called, and the unthinkable happened. The man's eyes rolled back, blood spurted from his nose and he began to choke. Unsure what was happening, I called for help, and a team of Healers from St. Mungo's hospital apparated behind me. Quickly, they levitated Mr Brook into the air, and vanished, leaving me behind. I was wondering what had happened to the poor man, when there was a loud crack and Mr Weasley appeared behind me.  
"Terry, just heard that a man has been admitted to Mungo's! What did you do?"  
"I don't know Arthur, I did the memory charm, just as I was taught to at Hogwarts, and he just collapsed! He was bleeding everywhere, what happened?"  
Mr Weasley looked at me seriously, and asked whether I was of a similar build as Mr Brook. When I confirmed that he was, in fact, much larger than me, Mr Weasley's eyes widened.  
"The memory charm is a very temperamental thing, Boot. If the victim of the charm is not of a similar body to the caster, the bodily functions can be forgotten, and the victim can be put in terrible danger!"  
"But, how can I stop that happening, Arthur?" I asked. Mr Weasley told me that since he had never been in such a position, he would not know, but that there was a man at the Ministry who could help.

A few weeks after the incident, I was talking to Dawlish, the Head of the Experimental Spells division.  
"What caused the incident with Mr Brook was a classic example of an unbalanced spell. You see, the spell you perform usually acts with the power of your body mass, so if you are performing a spell on somebody of a larger body mass, you have to add the difference in body weight into the power of your spell." As he finished talking, my mind was trying to comprehend what he was saying.  
"How do I find the difference in body mass?" I asked. Dawlish looked at me, incredulously.  
"Are you a 'pure-blood' wizard, Mr Boot?" He asked. When I answered in the affirmative, Dawlish sighed. "Then you'll never have known education outside of Hogwarts. While Hogwarts is the best school for magic in the world, Muggles learn something called Maths, which they use to solve most of their problems. In maths, you can find the difference between something by taking away the smaller thing, from the larger thing." I leave, wondering about this 'Maths'.

I have decided to start a Muggle Night School for Maths, I want to learn, and Hogwarts left out just a small thing. In the grand scheme of wizarding knowledge however, I'm sure maths is only a minor omission.

I was in my Maths class, and my teacher asked me a question about the amount of guns used by the British army in World War Two. I have heard of a gun; however what World War Two was, I have no idea. When I asked, however, the teacher seemed angry, almost as though I was making fun of her, and refused to acknowledge me for the rest of the lesson. I resolved to ask Dawlish, and he told me that during the reign of Grindelwald, there was a Muggle called Hitler, who killed many other Muggles, and there was a Muggle war that lasted for 6 years in which over 60 million Muggles died. I asked him why we weren't taught about such horrific wars at Hogwarts, and he said with a sad smile, "That would raise questions as to why we didn't help"

I have decided to take classes in history at a Muggle school. I am now taking both History and Maths. This desire to learn must be what made the sorting hat choose Ravenclaw for me. The Muggles have also talked about something called Science, and my interest is piqued. I shall ask Dawlish about it.

Science is a fascinating thing! It consists of three areas, Chemistry, which explains how Potions work; Physics, which explains how objects work; and Biology, which explains how living things work. I am taking classes in all three. I am thinking of enrolling at something called a University, where Muggles go to get really good educations. I wonder where Dawlish got all his information from.

I received a letter from the Ministry today, apparently, I spend too long learning 'unnecessary subjects' and do not devote enough time to stopping the Misuse of Muggle Artefacts, so I have been temporarily discharged from the Ministry! I threw the letter in the bin, noting its parabolic curve Hogwarts did not teach me about, and set off for my University Interview.

I left the interview feeling rather less confident than when I left my Ministry of Magic interview. When the interviewer asked me what school I went to, I murmured, "It's complicated," but he didn't seem satisfied. He asked me why I wanted to join the University, and answered fully and truthfully. I had not prepared anything to say, but this question let me be free. I think the references to Transfiguration may have sailed over his head, but I hope that my desire to learn won him over, and that he may have agreed to let me join the University. He asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, and it hit me. I finally realised why I was here, to teach! I would learn about my favourite subject, Maths, get a Muggle degree in the subject, and then force Hogwarts Head teacher to let me teach the students. I would leave a mark on Hogwarts, I will be the one to introduce compulsory Maths. With this aim in mind, I set off on my journey back to my residence. I refused to apparate, but took a car, as I am intrigued by the Muggles 'Internal Combustion Engine'.

I have a place in University, studying Maths. I am taking a course specifically to teach the subject at a Secondary School Standard, however, some of the topics covered are beyond where I was when I started Hogwarts, so I may have to adapt what we are being taught for wizards, however, the excitement of realising my aim in life is just stupendous.

The most anxious I had ever felt, standing outside Headmistress McGonagall's office, waiting to be admitted. She finally called, "Mr Boot?" and I entered the office. As I walked in, McGonagall said, "Ah, Terry! It is you! I remember you, very gifted at Transfiguration. Now, what do you want?"  
"Well Professor, I do not know if you are aware, of a Muggle subject called Mathematics?"  
"I spent the ages of 3-11 in a Muggle Primary School, I am aware of Maths, Mr Boot."  
"I have recently earned a Muggle Degree in Mathematics, and I am of the opinion that it should be made a compulsory subject at Hogwarts. After educating myself in the subject for many years, I have found that an understanding of the maths behind a spell helps in understanding how to perform the spell. I would like to present myself for the position of Professor Boot, Maths teacher." After finishing my speech, I conjured a much-needed glass of water, and drank greedily, for my mouth was as dry as it has ever been.  
"I see," said McGonagall, eyeing me carefully, "Well, I shall deliberate your suggestion with the Board of Directors, but between you and me, I think you are onto something even the great Albus Dumbledore could not have foreseen."

Now, many years later, I sit in my office, as the Headteacher of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry; Order of Merlin, First Class; Head of Ravenclaw House and finally, and most importantly, Hogwarts first Professor of Mathematics. I await the interviewee for the post of professor of Sciences at Hogwarts, and I have put a notice in the _Daily Prophet_ for Professor of Muggle History. As I sit back in my chair, holding the letter that awarded me the prestige of belonging to the elite group of winners of the 'Wise Wizard of the Year Award' for revising and enhancing the education of Wizards in England, I realise the emotion coursing through my veins. For the first time, I feel proud.


End file.
